[Guymullins]

This was told to me a year ago by a paratrooper friend with no shame. His name is Jaap, which is often used interchangeably for bumpkin. Jaap makes a modest living farm-sitting in the Kalahari semi-desert region. He often looks after a farm of a mutual friend who works as a military advisor (He is in Nigeria right now involved in the anti-Boko Haram offensive). This farm has the cutest colony of Meercats that live in burrows next to the house. They have become completely tame over the years and will often climb all over guests having sundowners, hoping to be fed snacks and be petted.
One late afternoon, Jaap was enjoying a beer on the veranda when a pesky Warthog forced its way under the perimeter fence to get at the vegetable patch.
Jaap jumped to his feet and drew his Glock to either chase the Warthog off or get some pork for breakfast.
In his haste, Jaap shot himself in the ass. Luckily, it was a shallow flesh wound as he was alone and hundreds of kilos from a hospital.
As soon as the Meercats saw and smelt blood, they attacked Jaap, biting him all over the body, but particularly on his legs, which were exposed in his short pants. To keep the Meercats away, Jaap fired off the rest of the magazine in the general direction of his attackers, shooting the veranda full of 9mm holes in the process.
Eventually, Jaap managed to barricade himself in the kitchen, where he could tend to his wounds, the Meercat bites the worst of them.
Jaap recovered completely from the Glock-ass and the Meercat bites, but today warns against both, calling them Fair-Weather Friends.